Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
