whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
