I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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