So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
