Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
