she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
