Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
