watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
