After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
