Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
