I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
