I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
