I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
