Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
