Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
