I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
