Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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