My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
