As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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