You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
