Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just pee around me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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