I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
