Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
