bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
