You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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