I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
