take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm both gender and math confused
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
