Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
