I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
