i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
