The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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