Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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