Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
