I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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