my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
