I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Operation Purity has been aborted
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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