The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
