dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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