whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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