You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
