Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
