Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
