I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
