We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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