I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
