Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We need to rekindle our bromance
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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