He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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