The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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