I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
