i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Randomize
