but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
